Without struggle, there is no progress; reflections on my own learning

The process of blogging has been an uphill battle.

It reminds me of what I experienced as I struggled with learning English. Through most of this semester, I felt like 9 year old Alina again, a stranger in a strange land. It’s like I got kicked back to 1988 at the Fifth Avenue School for International Studies, when I wanted so badly to tell the 3^rd graders in my class what I had been through in Israel; I wanted to warn them, to them the truth about war, the truth about what American money was used for. I could tell them in Hebrew, or in Hungarian, or in Romanian, but nobody understood; and every school day brought a new communication breakdowns. In the same mistake-making way, I pushed through these blog posts.

Obviously, there were some positive aspects to this blogging. For instance, it renewed my desire for dialogue. Before the blog, I was making connections across ELA policy, practice, & research in a vacuum, but during the blogging process, I began to critically analyzing those tensions in the curriculum through conversations. It was an effective sounding board. Even though the professionalism and pragmatism of my colleagues restored my hope in reform, every time I asked a difficult question, I was met with an even more difficult question. It’s frustrating to not have come away with any answers, but it’s also rewarding in a realistic, sobering sort of way. However, unlike the teachers in Luna’s critical literacy teacher inquiry group (who found their voice in sharing each others’ lived experiences) I proceed still feeling like an imposter and an outsider. I get what other teachers are doing, but I don’t get how calm and collected they are. Regardless, the blogging process has inspired me. Even though my identity as a blogger is under construction, the issues and trends we studied and discussed are very much part of my daily reality.

How I think about C & I in ELA has been evolving steadily, but I have so much to learn. In terms of moving forward with my teaching, I’m on the front lines and in the trenches of high pressure ELA instruction; I live and breath multi-modal reading & writing, negotiate culturally relevant curriculum, plan critical literacy projects, battle high stakes assessments, etc. everyday. It’s not easy teaching high school ELA, especially when it’s almost 200 11th graders and over half of them have not passed the ELA TAKS since 7th grade. On an AU campus, my responsibilities require teaching state to local standards explicitly in preparation for that darn exit level TAKS test. At the same time, as a writing mentor and literacy coach to these kids, I must also revise and edit by their side to practice with them with skills they’ll need in college. And in this populations’ case, I have to catch them up because they’ve been neglected and unchallenged for so many years. Furthermore, as a teacher at a New Tech school, I also need to focus on the 21^st Century learning outcomes such as Collaboration, Digital Literacy, Civic Responsibility, Community Service, etc., which is important  stuff. The issue is about a third of my students have Limited English Proficiency status, another third of my learners average at about a 5^th grade reading level, and the rest are AP students needing to practice writing on a college-ready analytic level; so there’s a lot of different directions I’m pulled. As I revisit my writing on  the research and policy we’ve analyzed and conversations we’ve had, I am reminded that what I’m doing is right.

My voice often carried a resentful tone regarding ELA policy, especially in regards to assessments and NCLB. I still feel the federal government has no right to make the rules, but there’s a scary sense of seriousness and gravity that disturbs me in my writing. In retrospect, it’s interesting to see how politically charged and outraged my reactions usually were. Can I work on channeling that?

Ultimately, it was a privilege to hear other teachers’ perspectives as they face the tensions of teaching kids they care about how to love reading and writing. I want to find a more natural blogging voice. I want my posts to inspire and compel teachers to have fun. I need to make more time to reflect on my teaching each day. And, of course, before I stop to write, I need to remember to preach less and ask more.

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